Commitment And Sacrifice In Marriage

For reasons that I am sure you know, I have been thinking a fair bit lately about the importance of commitment in marriage as we anticipate Jessica's and Carl's wedding.

The basic underlying commitment in marriage is to meet the other’s need for companionship. When a couple takes marriage vows, whether they realize it or not (and often they do not), they are committing to provide companionship for one another for the rest of their lives. Notice, they do not vow to receive companionship, but to provide it for one another.

That means that when a husband or a wife complains, “I am not getting what I want out of marriage,” his or her statement is selfishly distorted. And you must reply, “You did not enter marriage in order to get something for yourself. You vowed to give something to your partner." Marriage is not a bargain in which each partner says, "I will give so much in return for so much." Each vows to give all that is necessary to meet his or her spouse’s need for companionship, whether or not he or she receives anything in return. Therefore, the only question for you is, "Are you sacrificially fulfilling your vows?"


In our consumer driven society many marry for what they can get out of the marriage. Sadly, many marriages are built on the foundation of what's in it for me. Marriages that are driven by this are more about a relationship that is built on lust more than it is a relationship that has love at its core. We ought to ask, “How can I please my partner?” not “How can I please myself?” To please sacrificially give up ourselves for the sake of another is the basic obligation of marriage.

William Sydney Porter, who lived from 1862 to 1910, wrote more than six hundred short stories. Unless you are a literary buff, you may not know him by that name. His works are authored under the pen name “O. Henry.” He has been called by some, “the American master of the surprise ending.” One of his most fascinating stories is entitled “The Gift of the Magi.” The plot centers on a young couple, Mr. and Mrs. James Dillingham Young. In the era in which they lived, times were difficult, and money was scarce. But they had each other and two prized possessions. She had beautiful long hair, “rippling and shining like a cascade of brown waters.” He cherished a magnificent pocket watch of gold. On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Young (known as Della) counted out her money to see if she could buy her husband, Jim, a special Christmas gift. The small sum was one dollar and eighty seven cents. Only one viable option remained.... she would sell her hair. She received twenty dollars for her hair and immediately went shopping for two hours to find the “perfect” gift for Jim. Finally, it caught her eye . . . a platinum fob, a chain for his gold watch.

She arrived home an hour before her husband. Looking into the mirror she wondered if Jim would still love her with short hair. She did her best to make herself attractive and then sat down with the watch chain in her hand and waited. Soon she heard the footsteps of her husband as he approached. Jim entered and looked across the room but was stunned by what he saw. For a moment he was speechless. Della was frightened. “Jim, what’s wrong? You still love me, don’t you? Isn’t my hair all right?” Finally he took a package from under his arm and told Della to open it. Inside were several lovely tortoise shell combs with jeweled edges for her hair. She had seen them in the window of a store months before. Now that they were hers, she could not use them. But how could he afford such an expensive gift? You guessed it.... he had sold his gold watch.

While this story is a touching expression of sacrificial love, it does generate a question: Are we sacrificial givers or selfish takers in our relationships? It’s a question we should often ask. Interestingly, it seems to me that this would be a good question to ask in all our relationships especially in the context of reminding ourselves how much Father sacrificed as an expression of his extreme fondness for each one of us.